


Forlorn And Forgotten; Forgive My Feelings, Dear

by MadAce



Series: Hisoillu [2]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst and Feels, Character Death, Character Study, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Not Beta Read, Pining, Unrequited Love, Zoldyck Family Mentioned, i just like to cause pain, i love illumi so much, im so sorry, mentions of Illumi's past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:40:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27823870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadAce/pseuds/MadAce
Summary: Flowers mingled with blood faced him.His two entwined fates, so opposing, yet muddled together before him.He wasn't supposed to feel. Illumi was designed to be the perfect pawn in the Zoldyck family business - manipulated and powerful in their own right.How childish he was to fall in love.
Relationships: Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck
Series: Hisoillu [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2045407
Comments: 8
Kudos: 79
Collections: Hisoillu Pain





	Forlorn And Forgotten; Forgive My Feelings, Dear

**Author's Note:**

> I jump around a tiny bit in the timeline in the beginning, but I hope I made it easy enough to follow! I hope this isn't too messy oop-

Illumi had heard of cases like this. He was urged to study medical journals on top of his assassin training in order to be the well rounded prospect that the Zoldyck family clients expected. There was an odd mention of this scenario here and there, short scribbled case studies that were always cut short due to the patient’s untimely death, strangled by ropes of love that manifested themselves into flowers and vines that crushed the lungs and compressed the throat.

Hanahaki.

The ravenette stared at his palm, reaching out with his opposing hand and twisting the silky petals in between delicate fingertips. He hadn’t honestly felt the breach of petals past his throat until it sat, splayed on his open hand and coated in a sheen of saliva and droplets of blood.

Illumi raised a thin eyebrow, mind unnaturally muddled as he processed the situation at hand, deciding finally that it was best to ignore. His life was always threatened anyway, and he has dealt with enough poisons and torture to be push aside any of the symptoms during his missions. It wasn’t worth fretting about now.

Love... what a foreign concept... those case studies most likely identified the wrong cause of the disease.

A sigh passed his lips and his eyes shut, forcing away any persistent thoughts.

—

There were times when training would become too rigorous when Illumi was a child, his skin inflamed and rubbing raw against ropes, throat constricted from poison intake, silky hair matted, and childish fingertips bruised from clawing past obstacles.

When he was finally given a break, escaping past the damp basement and metal fixtures that tainted his skin and haunted his thoughts, he would explore the expanses that surrounded the manor. The young Zoldyck would pad through grass, still shielded in dew, and gasp in deep breaths of misty air as the sun barely peaked past the horizon. Morning birds chirped tunes that sounded like the opening of heaven’s gates compared to the clanging of chains in the Zoldyck manor which tied him directly to hell.

His adventures gave him time to finally breath, to finally feel, and the ability to think for himself. His thoughts became blurry with time. Being fed opinions and tasks constantly by his parents led to the deafening of his inner monologue, only leaving room for calculation and observation. Illumi tried his best not the grieve over the fact, but in his own honesty, he was slowly forgetting how to grieve as well.

Bruised feet met petal tops one morning, dark eyes slotting across a small pocket of land overflowing with wild flowers. Illumi privately thrived over the unkempt nature of it, thankful it was untouched by the butlers' plucking hands. Colors blossomed and curled around each other, reaching for the sun and beckoning Illumi to come closer, to come embosom himself in them and never leave.

It became an odd habit of his.

Each week when he was given an hour or so to leave the manor, he would find himself at the small field of flowers. He would lay with them, clothes moist from foggy air and cold dew drops soothing the cuts and bruises on his pale skin. The petals clung to his arms and legs and enraptured him in the most comforting hug he has ever had the joy of receiving. The pale clouds above him would consistently catch rays of morning light and Illumi finally allowed himself some peace.

A particularly difficult week left Illumi unnerved. A noose was tight around his neck and he was ordered to spar and complete minuscule tasks, despite the restricted airflow. His vision was blurred for most of the training from lack of breath, cheeks turning cold and finger tips shaking in effort. Any wrong move and he was left to hang under the disapproving gaze of his parents, before being let down and continuing the training with no release of pressure around his neck.

Once released from his rope jail, Illumi struggled his way outside with bitter tears prickling down his face and causing deep aches in the raw skin around his neck. He brushed past familiar tree fixtures, stopping every here and there to run perturbed hands down his throat and sucking in a deep breath. Illumi’s hair was starting to irritably prob at the nape of his neck, anxious fingertips going to pull at the strands of hair as he desperately gasped in another breath and continued his trek.

Arms fell loosely at his side as he looked at the scenery that awaited him.

Flowers were left uprooted and dirt sullied the field that he used to consider his only comfort.

_Ah. His parents had finally found the root to any of his joy._

Illumi bit at his lip, a sigh whistling past his nose and the metallic taste of blood coating his tongue. He turned tail and rigidly headed back to the manor, head completely barren of all thought at last.

He refused to take a break from training after that.

—

His days consisted of nothing but blood shed as he grew.

The pins he drew from cold flesh would pull along a thread of scarlet which inevitably splattered to the floor and painted grotesque scenes on expensive marble.

His hair was finally long enough to brush comfortably along the small of his back, caping around his shoulder and allowing him a silky comfort that kept him grounded.

It was the only thing he could pride himself in now.

He made his way to the door, leaving behind the body and absentmindedly taking in his surroundings. The assassin had finally finished up with his thread of jobs for this city.

His steps faltered uncharacteristically and his eyes sharply shifted to gaze at a golden vase on the side of the hall. Stunning wild flowers braided among each other and waved longingly at the ravanette.

The corners of his lips twitched uncontrollably and he felt his eyebrows knit together. His eyelashes fluttered and attempted to cool the stinging in his eyes as he let out a forceful breath and looked away.

The flowers were too gorgeous for him to rest his eyes upon. His dark irises were tainted with memories of gore and even the slighted draw of his attention to the bouquet would ruin them.

He went on his way and decided to forgo ever seeing them.

—

Irony was a bitter pill to swallow, and it made Illumi bitterly laugh into a blood stained palm.

Of course this was the illness that decided to grasp at his throat, burrow into his skin, and curse him.

Illumi had finally decided to withdraw from his family and shut himself in his own wing of the mansion several months after the first symptoms appeared. He assumed he would do better at bearing the brunt of the symptoms, but of course if he was too weak to be the head of the household, he was too weak to keep this under wraps.

Flowers mingled with blood faced him once more and he quickly quieted the memories of his past.

The yellow of the daffodils looked haunting.

His two entwined fates, so opposing, yet muddled together before him.

He wasn’t supposed to feel. Illumi was designed to be the perfect pawn in the Zoldyck family business - manipulated and powerful in their own right.

Illumi’s head thrummed and more petals breached past soft lips, opening up around his teeth and thriving in the dim light before collapsing before him.

He was foolish to think he could ignore the ailment. Illumi managed to hide symptoms from his family and kept his face as neutral as possible when his breath was refusing to pass his lips and vines tickled his throat, but once he started coughing, he was out for several minutes at a time. His guard was low and it left a large target on his back, making him want to curl up and sob.

He has never prayed before.

But his mind buzzed with pleads to the heavens to stop this madness as saliva glazed his lips and he was forced to pull pliable stems from his esophagus.

He has yet to figure out the cause of such a despicable disease. It was impossible to think love was the cause of this mess. He hadn’t felt his heart strings thrum for years now, and he barely had anyone to call an acquaintance to even ponder feelings over. Maybe he wasn’t careful enough and it was a disease transmutable by blood...

“Illumi~”

The world was a _cruel_ place.

“Where are you? I’ve come all the way from York New City and passed your deranged butlers and I’m shocked to see no big greeting from you! One day I swear I’ll have you ecstatic to see me.”

_Why had he come here of all places? And now of all times? Hisoka would surely pin the nail on his deathbed if he found out how truly weak he was currently._

Illumi’s trembling fingers curled into fists as he shoved aside the flower petals, throwing a lone sheet onto the mess.

“The deranged one is you, Hisoka.” Illumi ran the back of his hand across his lips, standing up and turning stiffly to watch a brightly colored head peak past a deep burgundy door frame.

“There you are! Me? Deranged? Mmm I suppose so, but coming from you, I’ll take it as nothing more than a compliment.” A sly grin curled around the magician’s face as he came to encircle Illumi in a hug, whomst only begrudgingly patted the back of the opposing man. He swallowed thickly and exhaled through his nose as he felt the threatening tickle in the back of his throat once more.

_Oh._

“Ah Illumi, what’s with the mess? You’re always so organized. Did the little piggy get into your things again, hmm? Do you need help organizing? I can always kill him for you if you would like... he is fat and slow but I would make do...” The red head bent down and reached out an arm towards the forgotten sheet, promptly stopping when Illumi slipped in front of it.

“It’s fine. I would rather you didn't threaten the ones I call family or else I’ll have your head on a platter. What are you here for?” The assassin pointedly looked down, words snipped short, long eyelashes starkly contrasting against pale skin and running long shadows down his solemn face. The magician shivered in glee at the threat and tilted his head,withdrawing his hand before standing once more. He raised his arms and faced his palms towards Illumi as if he had been caught.

“Bored, really. I haven’t seen you in some time. Care to spar? I know that’s your love language rather than talking, Illu dear ~”

The ravenette paused and held back a string of profanities, deciding instead it was best to nod promptly, swallowing back his thickened saliva and exiting the room with Hisoka in tow.

How foolish was he... to fall in love of all things.

—

Emerald shoes tapped lightly on marble flooring, Illumi making his way silently past detailed walls, swiftly maneuvering by heavy velvet curtains that shuddered and grazed his arms from the breeze carried by ventilation systems. He passed large windows that overlooked the busy city life below, the wind playing soft hymns against the glass pane and blocking out the sound of bustling city goers.

The assassin felt unnatural, unused to the large crowds of people and flashy lights that met him at every corner when he was down below. It was foreign, unattainable in his grasp, and here he was, nestled stories above it.

The floor now belonged to Hisoka and Hisoka’s alone, as evident by the heavy wafting scent of artificial bubble gum and slits in the walls that replicated the deep cut of his cards. He had found more thrills in the idea of being a floor master now that no good prospects were making their way to the 251st floor of Heaven’s Arena. Although Illumi himself wasn’t interested in the short lived thrills and wasted energy of the Battle Olympia, he could admire the fact that the penthouses were fully stocked and decorated to a T. It was a gorgeous sight, nothing compared to the Zoldyck Mansion, but it definitely wasn’t shy in flaunting it’s expensive scalloped molding and silk cushions.

It wasn’t often that Illumi would visit the magician, but he finished his mission too quickly with transport being nowhere near ready to sweep him up. His thoughts wandered to his last memories of the redhead and he subconsciously swallowed at the irritation wringing his throat and settling in his lungs. Illumi was glad he was able to keep his distance during the spar, only engaging in hand to hand combat here and there, but there was enough of a break in between to choke back any flower petals. He was still moderately shell shocked at the idea that it was the jester that managed to steal his heart out from under his nose. He was well aware it was something that won’t be easily returned and he might as well keep the bloody organ clenched under clawed fingertips.

The assassin pushed aside large doors and shut them silently behind him, the sleek brass of the door knob creaked gently under his fingertips as he heard the click of hinges. His eyes traveled across the nuances of the living room as he decided to settle by the island in the kitchen.

The room was silent.

Floor length windows gleamed with the light of the sun that breached past wispy clouds. The sun didn’t quite reach the opposing wall, but it was enough of an effort. The traveling luminescence caught sight of the minuscule particles of dust that Illumi managed to sweep up on his entrance. The dust glimmered and danced and Illumi hummed a thoughtless song as they slowly fell back into oblivion. Long lashes fluttered, and the assassin hid away the thought of hoping to see the dust waltz one more.

The door flew open, a sigh passing by pale lips before a sharp intake of glee.

“Illumi! What a wonderful surprise!” Hisoka dropped the cards he was shuffling and collected Illumi into his arms, who only let out of a huff.

“Finished some jobs around here? Mmm you should tell me the details over dinner. I’m glad you didn’t skimp out on me this time around after the last time you came to the city without visiting me.” The magician hummed and released the assassin, a long finger coming up to stroke his own chin in thought. The makeup delicately painted on his face puffed and contorted with his grin as he looked down his nose at his acquaintance, who sighed and licked his dry lips, refusing to let his breath escape him.

“I suppose.”

Hisoka clapped his open palms together in a motion of satisfaction before urging Illumi to settle himself on one of the island stools. He fished out a variety of ingredients from his cupboards and readied his stove.

“You know, I haven’t had a reason to cook recently - no one around to hold my attention, I’m quite pleased you came along, Illu.” Hisoka practically purred and peaked over his broad shoulder at the perched assassin.

“That’s irresponsible, even for you. Do you need any help?” Illumi mused back, fingers gently tapping at the marble table top.

“Please! You were coddled and fed delicacies as a child. Last time I let you touch a stove, you managed to boil out all the water from a pot. I would only entrust you with chopping up vegetables. Let me spoil you for one meal.” The red head let out a laugh as he increased the flame of the stove, allowing it to lick and dance on the underside of the pots. Illumi clenched his jaw and hid his mouth behind tense fingers, attempting to muffle a cough.

“Oh? Are you getting sick? That’s unheard of. Would you like me to make you soup instead?” Hisoka paused his shuffling to turn completely to the ravenette, question flashing in his gaze. Illumi only sucked in his cheeks and shook his head.

“‘M fine.” He croaked out softly, turning his back to his chef for the night and his attention to the window.

“Lovely view isn’t it?”

Illumi nodded, unsure if his counterpart was still facing him or not, and trying to push back the feeing of hope that maybe he was

“You should come watch me in the arena tonight. I know it isn’t your cup of tea typically, but I’m assuming you don’t have to leave until morning the earliest.”

Illumi could only nod once more. 

—

Hisoka encapsulated the definition of a showman, even in battle. His grin never faltered, even when bored, his flexibility in assessing situations was phenomenal, his gestures were wide and statements rang clear in the ears of the crowd. He played a performance for all to see.

The magician’s red hair burned like flames under the stage light, outfit sleek and sparkling and muscles tense. His golden eyes pierced into the crowd causing fear, excitement, and fawning to erupt among the gapping masses. His gaze finally landed on Illumi, grin only expanding an uptick more and he flared out an arm in a wave. It seemed like a childish excitement burned under Hisoka’s skin at the sight of his accomplice and it made Illumi’s heart burn.

Every smile and wave pointed at him, every angle of combat and punch positioned so that Illumi can properly bask in his form, such minor tweaks that the crowd wouldn’t notice but the magician did for him. The assassin knew he shouldn’t thrive under the attention. Hisoka was simply attempting to threaten Illumi and coax him into a battle of the death, sooner rather than later. It was in his nature to show off and Illumi is only slightly bemused at how he managed to fall for such an opposing personality.

Illumi clenched his teeth, feeling his jaw tense and twitch at the pressure. His breath blew harshly past the gaps in his teeth and he allowed his eyes to flutter shut for a moment in an attempt to gain some sort of bearing.

The telltale tickle in the back of his throat become something more grating than previously. It felt as if steel wool was dragging itself on the innards of his lungs without mercy. He felt that if he opened his mouth, only his clotted blood would pour from his lips; no matter how irrational the thought, the fear still plagued him.

Illumi silently stood from his place in the crowd, the commotion blared in his ears and forced static to buzz in front of his eyes and blur his surroundings into vignette. This is the only thanks he could ever give to his rigorous training as a child, which now allowed him to look regal to the people around him, with his straight figure and silent movement, despite his inner turmoil. He only hoped that the shuffling crowd hid him from the wandering eyes of Hisoka, who now seemed a bit more engaged in the battle.

The ravenette quickly managed to veer out of the arena and slipped into a bathroom. He collapsed unceremoniously by the toilet before regurgitating everything that was held back by his teeth. His coughs and gasps filled the empty room, only amplified by the cold and medicinal looking white tiles around him. His fingers curled around the cold toilet seat, paling drastically and becoming clammy at the pressure. He finally sucked in a hard breath and let out a loud sob on his exhale, quickly releasing the cold fingers which were locked onto the rim of the toilet in order to curl around himself. Tears he wasn’t aware he was holding streamed down his face and mingled with the blood that stained his lips and chin. His screams were hoarse and he felt his back hit the hard tile wall behind him, only winding further into himself. Illumi’s shoulders shook and he felt his body convulse and twitch in protest to his outburst of foreign emotion.

_What had he done to deserve this? He has been as good of a son as he could of been, hasn’t he? He could admit, Hisoka was someone special to him, but why wasn’t he even allowed to feel without repercussion?The slightest hint of happiness and the world decided it wasn’t for him and would snatch it away in an instant. What was he to do?_

Illumi finally managed to hush himself down, hiccuping breaths left his lips and blurry eyes searched the bathroom floor. He reached out to the object of his demise and twisted it between shaking and deathly pale fingers.

A single stem connected bundles of small purple flowers.

A heliotrope.

_How could something so gorgeous come from a body like his? Rotted inside and out from years of harsh treatment._

The flowers seemed to beg him for forgiveness, full blooms round and bright in the stark white overhead lights of the bathroom.

His blood wasn’t fitting on the soft purple blooms.

He brought up another hand to gently rub on the soft petals, removing any of the satin red residue and he felt another tear slip past his eyelashes.

Illumi set the flower down besides him and stood up on shaking legs, knees almost giving out underneath him as he made his was to the porcelain sink. Water was desperately scrubbed into his skin in attempt to wash away any blood and cool his raw under eyes. He finally turned to the mess of flowers on the bathroom floor, leaning back onto the sink and and assessing the situation as his senses slowly returned to him.

He decided to part open the bathroom window and quietly collected the bundles of flowers from the freezing expanses of the tile floor. He shuddered at the cool evening air and set the heliotropes lose to the wind, only hoping that the height of the building would allow for enough of a breeze to sweep the flowers far from the arena. Illumi took in a deep breath of the chilled air, eyes shutting as he basked in the feeling of his warm cheeks finally getting relief.

With one last breath, he left York New City without a glance back.

—

Hisoka has emerged victorious, as was expected. His opponent was in a bloody mess, the emotional turmoil that flashed behind his eyes in the last few seconds before his demise fed the redhead’s ego tremendously. He left out a soft breath and craned his head back to look out into the crowd, eyes slightly narrowing to combat the bright lights of the arena. The smile that was perched upon his lips faltered as he couldn’t catch sight of Illumi.

_Has he left so soon? Was the crowd too much for him? Did he have another job to rush to?_

Hisoka didn’t have the care to think too long about it. He knit his eyebrows together and sucked in his cheeks, brushing off the grime from the battle, stepped over the mangled corpse of his opponent, and made way to the exit.

He shoved open the doors to the street level, doing his best to avoid the crowd and attempting to squash down any lasting hope that maybe, just maybe, Illumi was caught in the hustle and bustle of the exiting masses from the arenas

Golden eyes slotted past the busy streets, ignoring the recognition that flashed in the eyes of some of the city goers, only pausing with the flicker of something in his peripheral.

A single bloodied flower was perched on the pavement.

The jester crouched, reaching over and grasped the lonely heliotrope, twirling it in between his fingers and watching the crust of dried blood chip and free the gorgeous gowns of petals that lie dormant beneath it.

_How sad. Someone was killed before professing their love. Or maybe they were killed by their lover._

He hummed in passing curiosity before quickly getting bored, throwing the flower to the wind and, unbeknownst to him, allowing it to meet with the other dirtied petals that flew through city streets in search for their final resting place.

—

_Long, pale fingers curled around wisps of ebony hair, stroking and parting them like steam in midnight air._

_Those blessed fingertips, filled with scars and callouses from years of tear, and primed sharp nails that bite at the skin it cups, moved past the hair and gently grasped a chin, tilting it upwards._

_“Oh Illumi... you feel love?”_

_A soft nod was made against that light grasp. His head was tilted back a bit further so soulless eyes were met with molten gold - filled with life._

_“How pitiful.”_

_The fingers drew back as if they were burned, a light shake of a limp wrist was added to only emphasize the gesture. What theatrics, even for a magician, at such a low point in conversation. The ravenette felt his jaw clench and he averted his eyes, searching for something, anything that could distract him. Grasp his attention away long enough to remember the years of training he endured and try and pull himself back into the empty husk he was. He wanted to tear his eyes from his skull and drain his brain from those empty sockets as to never remember the look of distaste in that gorgeous face._

_“You’ve become much more boring with emotion. You have loss all use to me.”_

_He refused to look up as the soft click of heels faded into the background, instead morphing into the sound of static, screeching profanities at his ears and hissing at his stupidity. He could feel the blood pound in his head as his vision started to fade._

Illumi woke up gagging, trying to gasp for breath and only choking more. Wet pants filled the room as he heaved. Blood came seeping past his lips before petals.

He was used to the sight of blood. It encompassed his everyday. But this- this left him trembling. The burgundy stains were clotted and disgusting, littered with petals and full flower blooms which reached up at him, begging to be picked up and displayed. He reached fingers down his throat, pushing past his uvula and urging himself to continue his regurgitation.

Hundreds of torn up petals met their demise in the bloody pool at his knees. The pink of the Camellias were too bright, too perfect, too much like _him._ The petals hid the bud perfectly, woven together like a fine knit and fanning out like an afternoon sun.

They were stunning.

He couldn’t stand it anymore.

He sat back on his heels, shaking hands running up and down his thighs, rubbing any excess blood onto them. Illumi angeled his head up and parted his lips, breathe trembling as he tried to recount for all the lost air. The tightness in his chest finally eased, and now he can feel the tears that were pouring down his face.

He was foolish. Unbelievably foolish to ever muse the idea of being with Hisoka.

—

Of course he wasn’t able to stay far away from his counterpart for long.

Two lithe fingers dug between parted lips, pulling free a Globe Amaranth carefully entwined with a Black Rose. The assassin eyed the small bundle and gently rubbed at his throat in a poor attempt to soothe it.

“Oh, Illumi- hmm? Where did you manage to find a flower?” Hisoka glanced at the striking purple sphere resting among petals of onyx and perched in Illumi’s palm and took long strides forward to see it up close. The assassin’s eyes fluttered between the flower in question and the magician that now towered over him.

He was all too close.

It was _suffocating_.

“You can have it, if you would like.” He managed to rasp out under his breath, allowing for the redhead to pluck the flower out of his awaiting hand and study it in admiration. Hisoka hummed in wonder before careening his head sideways to look at his acquaintance, bright locks curling and framing his sharp features.

“Mm.. I think it would look better here..” Hisoka urged clawed finger tips forward to brush sable strands out of the way, tucking the stem of the forsaken flower behind Illumi’s ear.

Illumi wanted to sob.

His chest churned in... well he couldn’t really pinpoint in what exactly. Anxiety? Love? Grief?

All he knew was he wanted to lock himself away and never put himself through these feelings again. Hisoka deserved better than him and the universe agreed.

The vines and thorns in his throat continued to tighten.

Illumi refused to respond as he plucked the flower from his hair and set it on the table, turning his back to Hisoka and heading to the door.

“I have a job. Goodbye, Hisoka.”

The magician dramatically sighed in response, and if he did say any farewells, Illumi was too distracted to notice.

—

It has finally reached a point where Illumi could do nothing but thrive.

His training thought him well enough that pain will eventually lead to pleasure.

He has felt worse, but this pain in particular grounded him. The catch of thorns on his esophagus and the flowing petals blocking airflow for a few seconds too long. The blood drenched his lips and stained them in a gorgeous scarlet. It was enough to bare and enough to make him happy and content. After years he can feel emotion ring at his heart strings, he can deal with the pain and the aftermath of it all.

Or maybe he was becoming delusional from lack of air.

The sun was slowly starting to make its descent in the sky, blanketing the great expanses with colors of lavender, red, and soft orange. Wisps of clouds danced in the air and Illumi’s struggling breath played their macabre danse soundtrack. His chest felt more compressed than usual. He wanted to tear out his lungs, flip them inside out, and bare to the world all the brightly colored flowers that lay dormant within.

His feet led him through the forest, Illumi’s mind barely able to catch up with where he was going until he stopped in front of a large field. The grassy meadow was embroidered in yarrow. How fickly ironic.

The ravenette continued his slow decent and rise between the shallow valleys of land, as if being pulled by both God and Satan, tugged on a silk string and urged forward like the little puppet he has and always will be.

His feet finally gave out from underneath him as he reached a hilltop, knees hitting the ground and palms splayed out below him, breath heaving dangerously and whistling past parted lips. The tickle of petals in his throat turned into the feeling of steel wool rubbing irritably at his pharynx. Flowers breached past teeth and blood splattered the gorgeous scenery below him as he heaved. Silky black hair curtained around his pitiful face, hiding the pain and distraught that was etched in the creases around his eyes as he wretched in agony. Pale white yarrow was now stained red. The Forget-Me-Nots that tumbled from his lips looked misplaced in the field. He would lie with them and be a sore thumb that stained the scenery. With quivering fingers he reached out to grab one of the blue flowers, lifting it to his nose and trying his best to scent the petals past its copper notes of blood.

The assassin’s legs quivered, being pulled taut by the string of fate and he collapsed onto his back like a lassoed lamb. He shuddered and let out a hum of defeat, midnight eyes glazed and watching the sky in longing.

_Would he even make it to Heaven?_

His pale skin gleamed in a slight sheen of sweat and his long hair parted around his head like a custom fitted halo, all light extracted carefully from it and leaving it dim and empty. The satin tint of red on his lips made him look vampiric. He would forever rest upon these hills, he decided, he would be the ghost that waltzed upon the breeze and carefully cultivated the many petals that once signified his undying love. The milky white petals below him mocked the appearance of a blank canvas as his vision slowly gave way.

A soft breath of wind danced across his face and tugged gently at wisps of his hair, braiding and laying the tendrils down softly again, and he could finally breath.

—

Hisoka’s fingers beat at the table, his other arm bent and hand cupping his face as he stared out the window, attempting to distract himself by the flocks of birds that passed.

_It was going to rain soon._

Illumi had left in the morning to finish a job. He should be back by now. It has never taken his counterpart this long to complete the measly job of getting rid of a greedy business associate. _Has he been caught? No that’s impossible. Worse maybe?_ His growing fear plagued him, curling at his gut anxiously and making a bitter bile rise in his throat.

_Should he go look for him? Illumi can easily hold is own but-_

Hisoka scoffed at the sour feeling curling in hist chest. The assassin had been a dear friend of his, the first in years that truly understood him and accepted his flaws. He was nothing if not meticulous and calculated, but still… he partook in a bit of an unsavory career and it made Hisoka worry unnaturally, despite himself. Hisoka wouldn’t dare undermine his capabilities, yet he still had room to fret.

Without a second thought, long nails tapped at the glass screen of his phone before the sound of ringing echoed through the empty apartment.

“Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice messaging system. Illumi Zoldyck is unavailable. At the tone, please record your message.”

The irritating noise of the beep caused a frown crease his pale skin and an eyebrow raise, masking any of his panic with confusion. Illumi was usually quick with picking up the phone. His pristine and timely nature would never allow a phone call to go unmissed. Hisoka exhaled and decided against any further questioning, instead urging himself to leave the building for a walk. Illumi will be done when he is done, and that is out of his control.

The magician’s head was uncharacteristically empty, any musings and blood lust tied behind his right lobe as he made his way to the outskirts of civilization. City buildings eventually died down on his trek and created a cleft to reveal woven treetops. He wasn’t aware of the city diverging into masses of forest, but that’s what adventure is for anyway. His curiosity bested him and he ignored the dirt that started to cake his shoes as he made way past underbrush and vegetation.

The closest he had been to nature was whenever he visited the Zoldyck manor, being surrounded by huge mountain regions and such. Hisoka thrived in the city and busy, populated life, but he could admit that the he sometimes needed quiet to ground him, and Illumi offered that to him.

He supposed Illumi was more important to him than he would like to let on.

The bramble that curled at his feet slowly started to part and the overhead fixtures of branches shuddered at the sudden breeze. The clouds started to churn and Hisoka murmured in distaste, eyes shifting around the forest forcover in the worst case that he was caught in a downpour and didn’t have time to return. A soft puff passed upturned lips as he caught a glimpse of braided white flowers, dancing upon the forest floor. He decided at once that he must collect a bundle before heading back; they would look stunning plaited in Illumi's dark locks if the assassin would give him the time to work with his hair. 

Heeled shoes picked up their pace and his slicked back hair swayed in rhythm to his movement. He turned to face the meadow, a wide cheshire grin pulling at his features as he took it all in with a gasping breath.

It was _stunning_.

Hundreds of yards of just yarrow that blanketed the groves of land like a first winter's snow and-

_What’s that?_

The smile that lit up the magician’s face fell and his face grew dim. His pupils retracted into the expanses of his golden iris in a poor attempt to hide themselves from the unsightly view. The clouds parted slightly to shine light upon the figure several yards from him, as if it was displaying a prized possession under stage lights. His breath came to a stuttering stop and he stumble forward - one step.. two steps… and he was sprinting to the hill top.

_It couldn’t be… Why was he here?_

Hisoka stopped above the body, the breath he didn’t know he was holding was slowly strangling him as he gaped below him.

For once in his life, Hisoka has finally fallen to his knees in defeat.

Illumi was lying among the puckered yarrow like a God among all people; pale skin free of blemishes, lips glazed in red, silky hair piled around him, endless and proud.

The magician clapped trembling hands onto his counterpart’s arm, shaking him gently despite knowing deep down that he would never get a response. He pulled the ravenette into his awaiting lap, curling his body around it protectively as he searched Illumi’s face desperately.

“Illumi? Illumi please..” He bit at his inner cheek and allowed for the blood to seep into the back of his throat before his eyes traveled to the small patches of blue among the floods of clotted scarlet.

_Forget-Me-Nots? What are they doing here?_

Hisoka’s eyes widened a fraction and he whipped his head to look back at the assassin contained in his arms, cold flesh amongst burning hot finger tips.

“What.. Hanakahi... and you didn’t tell me? I thought you trusted me! Who did you love so dearly that you put up with this until your death bed?! I would have killed whoever you fawned over to stop this from happening...” Hisoka screamed profanities, the tears fogging his vision forced him to look away from Illumi’s face, instead pointing his anger to the Great Heaven’s that awaited them all. He wasn’t sure how long he stayed crouched with Illumi’s body gently coddled next to his, but his throat was starting to feel chafed from his bawling of frustration and distress. The back of his hand rubbed his cheeks raw in attempt to urge the tears away, blurring and smearing his makeup along with it. 

_In any other circumstances, you wouldn’t allow me to hold you for this long,_ he thought bitterly in an attempt to wash away his own grief.

He gently set down his body, knowing internally that this field would forever be his final resting place. He curled up Illumi’s head, allowing his fingers to entwine around the long tendrils of hair for the last time, before lying him down once more. He plucked fresh yarrow from the blades of grass and braided it into a makeshift crown his mother had thought him out to make years before her untimely demise. Hisoka set the pure white crown on midnight hair, mimicking the soft glow of the moon at night.

Hisoka finally released a tearful breath and watched as his trembling palm held up a red Chrysanthemum that was able to force its way past his teeth. The bundles of red petals managed to hide the unsightly stains of blood and the salty tears that started to muddle with them.

He didn’t even notice that it started to rain.

**Author's Note:**

> :)
> 
> Flower Meanings (in order of appearance):
> 
> Daffodil - Unequalled Love  
> Heliotrope - Eternal Love, Devotion  
> Pink Camellia - Longing  
> Globe Amaranth - Unfading Love  
> Black Rose - Grief  
> Yarrow - Everlasting Love  
> Forget-Me-Not - True Love. This flower is usually given to the person you love the most and is a testament to the idea that you will never forget them.  
> Red Chrysanthemum - True Love AKA “You’re The Flame In My Heart” 
> 
> I got these meanings off of random websites,, so sorry if the meanings arent entirely on par oops


End file.
